mandyholbert

A glimpse into our family – the good, the bad, and, of course, the funny

It’s never too early for Max September 12, 2012

Filed under: children,family,humor,Max,parenting — mandyholbert @ 5:52 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I get a nice warm bath ready for one of the kids before I wake them for school.  Yesterday, it was Max’s turn to be gathered from a warm cozy bed and be put straight into a soothing bubble bath.   Those early morning moments before they’re really awake are so sweet and special.  And who wouldn’t enjoy being pampered like that?  What a great way to start the day.

Three rubber ducks in foam bath

Three rubber ducks in foam bath (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was in the bathroom getting ready for work when Max stood up in the tub.

“Mommy, will you wash my back for me?” he sweetly asked in a still sleepy voice.

Will I wash his back?  Of course!  He’s starting to need me less and less as he’s becoming a big boy, a kindergarten boy, so I happily took the washcloth and lovingly started scrubbing his back.

He looked over his shoulder and smiled.  It was early.  I didn’t interpret the smile as anything but sweet.

“Mommy, will you just do my bum, too, since it’s right there?” he asked.

I smiled.  ”Of course I will, honey.”

His timing was impeccable.  As soon as I had his little heinie covered with a sudsy washcloth, he blasted an exaggerated wet-cheeks fart and immediately started cackling.

I should have known better.  But, like I said, it was early.  Oh, dear.

Well, he woke me up, anyway.  I let him finish his bum himself.

somehow I don’t believe he’s only the 10th funniest boy in his class like he claims…

About these ads
 

Max’s thoughts on week 1 September 4, 2012

Filed under: children,family,humor,Max,parenting — mandyholbert @ 7:22 pm
Tags: , , , ,

The first week of kindergarten has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster for Maxwell.  One minute, he is thrilled about school and loves everything about it.  The next minute, he is begging me to call his teacher to tell her that he won’t be coming in any more.  If he weren’t so stressed about it, it would be kind of funny.

Well, I guess even through his anxiety, there are some funny moments.

Like this conversation:

Max – I don’t like the look of my classroom.

Me – Why?

Max – It’s too babyish.

Me – What’s babyish about it?

Max – There’s too much kindergarteny stuff everywhere.  Like baby monkeys and baby hippos on the wall.  Baby stuff.

See what I mean?

And then there’s this one:

Me – Do you talk much in school?

Max – No.

Me – Why not?

Max – I’m not the funniest kid there.  I’m only the tenth funniest boy in my class.

Me – Tenth funniest?

Max – Yeah.  There’s the class clown.  He’s really funny.  Then there’s the second class clown.  He’s almost as funny.  I’m tenth.

I’m not really sure how he comes up with this stuff.

I’m sure he’ll be fine.  It’s a big adjustment for him, but every day gets a little bit easier for him.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to peek in and see him interact with his teachers and friends!

Related articles
 

Maxilangelo Holbert, the next great name in art July 17, 2012

Filed under: children,family,humor,Max — mandyholbert @ 5:52 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Everyone thinks her kid is the best – the smartest, the cutest, the most talented, etc.  Well, obviously, everyone’s kid is not the best – that’s not even logical.  Most kids are average (hence the word average), and there’s nothing wrong with that.  If everyone were exceptional, exceptional would become average, and that would throw everything out of whack.  So, most children are average, despite what their parents may believe, and a select few are exceptional.

Of course, my son is one of those exceptional few, as I will demonstrate by sharing his most recent artistic masterpiece.  Before I unveil the evidence of his artistic genius, however, I would like to elaborate on exactly how this particular work highlights a level of achievement far beyond his years.

Most artists take years to perfect replicating the human form.  And even then, it takes a mature artistic soul to take on a nude image.  My five-year-old prodigy not only doesn’t hesitate to tackle challenging subjects, but he also captures this subject matter with startling mastery.  He is clearly an exceptional artist.

Please ponder on the following image, and while considering the beauty of the work, remember it was produced by a mere five-year-old boy:

English: Michelangelo's David (original statue...

English: Michelangelo’s David (original statue) Deutsch: David von Michelangelo (Original aus der “Accademia” in Florenz) Nederlands: David van Michelangelo (het originele beeld) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oops!  Wrong one.  Here’s Maxwell’s equally impressive rendering of the male body:

Max handed this to us last night and said, “Here’s a random picture of me without underwear.” Very strange kid.

See?  I told you he was an exceptional child.  Don’t you wish your kid had art skills like that?

 

The People under the Stairs June 6, 2012

Filed under: children,Confessions,family,humor — mandyholbert @ 6:42 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I have an aunt who is younger than I am.  What can I say?  My mom had me when she was young.  She was the oldest child in her family, and her mother had her young, too.  My grandma just wasn’t finished having children even though she was already a grandmother.  So, I have an aunt, Sandy, who is younger than my middle sister Nickie.

The three of us grew up like sisters.  And you know what that means.  Yep.  The occasional argument.  Three is an odd number, after all, and having an odd number easily leads to problems with children (that, among many other reasons, is why Ronnie and I are stopping at two kids).  It was usually Nickie and Sandy against me or Nickie and me against Sandy.  I guess, looking back, Nickie must have been the smart one out of the crowd.  I never really realized that before now.  Hmm…

Anyway, I have to confess that when it was Nickie and me against Sandy, we were often sometimes occasionally a little cruel in our schemes.  I remember one time, a seemingly innocent game of hide-and-go-seek was actually the front for one of our most brilliant premeditated pranks.

We had a storage closet under the stairs where my dad kept his tools and things.  The knob on the door was broken and could only open from the outside.  On the inside, the knob would turn and turn and never open the door.  Theoretically, if a person were to be in the closet and the door were to be closed from the outside, that person would be locked in the closet until someone from the outside opened the door.  Can you see where this is headed?

When Sandy came over to play, Nickie suggested hide-and-go-seek and even volunteered to be “it” first.  I told Sandy I had the perfect spot, and I led her to the closet under the stairs.  We turned the light off and sat quietly while we listened to Nickie trying to find us.  Finally, Nickie gave up, and Sandy and I decided to leave the closet.

I let her try the knob.  Of course it didn’t work.  I was very shocked and tried it myself.   Then, I yelled for Nickie to let us out.  She jiggled the knob on the outside to make Sandy think it wouldn’t open that way either.  Sandy started panicking.

I remember being very dramatic about this, though I can’t exactly remember if I actually yelled through the door for Nickie to call 911. I know I yelled things about being stuck forever and we had no food or water and we were never going to get out.  Nickie played her part perfectly.  We must have been very convincing to poor little seven-year-old Sandy.

I say we were convincing because she started crying.  Nickie yelled at me to use some of Dad’s tools, so I grabbed a screwdriver and pretended to finagle the knob.  When I turned around, Sandy had grabbed the hammer, and she had it raised and ready to break the door down.  I yelled as she started swinging, and Nickie swiftly opened the door thus saving us from having to explain to my parents why Sandy would have beat the closet door with a hammer.

Sandy didn’t think this was funny.  And I was a little afraid of her still holding that hammer with that manic look in her eyes.  I guess it would have served us right if she broke that door down.

Like I said, we grew up just like sisters.

 

Shape up, Son, I’m serious! May 22, 2012

Filed under: family,humor,Max,parenting — mandyholbert @ 5:28 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

After the baseball game Friday night, we went to a very late dinner at McDonald’s.  And not just any McDonald’s.  We went to the fancy schmancy one near the Biltmore Estate in Asheville.  It’s a strange place, really.  There’s a “magic” grand piano that plays itself, a fireplace, real art…but they still serve the same squashy burgers wrapped in paper.  The whole experience is like an oxymoron.

Fancy Biltmore McDonald's

Fancy Biltmore McDonald’s (Photo credit: Steve and Sara)

Well, there we were.  Eating cheeseburgers at 10:30 at night.  And, for whatever reason – probably because we were grossly overtired – the kids and I had the giggles.  Everything was funny.

“Oh, you got some fake hair extensions in your Happy Meal?”  Hilarious.

“You’re putting ketchup on your fries?”  Stop, stop, my stomach hurts from laughing.

When Max looked at us and asked, “What does moist mean?”, we kind of got carried away.  Well, I guess you would consider it carried away if someone chokes.  And Max did indeed choke.

I ran him to the bathroom so he could hack up the bite of food that was lodged in his throat, and to be honest, we laughed the whole time.  We were just being plain silly, and we couldn’t stop.

When we got back to the table, Ronnie had had enough.  I guess Max’s choking was the final straw.  In retrospect, I guess I can understand where he was coming from.

“No more laughing at this table.  And I mean it.  Just sit there and eat your food.  Stop being ridiculous,” he scolded us.

Max whipped right into shape.  He straightened his posture and transformed his expression from jovial to stoic in a matter of seconds.  Wow.

He looked over at me, and very seriously inquired (with intense interest and focus), “So, have you ever heard of peanuts taking over the world?”

Kendra and I laughed so hard that we both had tears running down our faces.  Ronnie gave Max “the look”.  Max didn’t flinch.  He met his father’s gaze with confidence, shrugged, and gestured towards me with his thumb.  What did he mean by that?  He meant Why Father, I’m shocked that you would accuse me of disobeying your wishes.  I, unlike my sister and mother, am quite seriously sitting here enjoying my late-night cheeseburger.  I’m insulted by this false accusation.

And with that, Ronnie lost his composure and joined in our silly laugh fest.  As they say, if you can’t beat them, join them!  And there’s clearly no beating Max!

 

Shopping with Max May 7, 2012

Filed under: children,family,gardening,humor,Max,parenting — mandyholbert @ 5:44 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Since we decided to add goats to our family mini-farm, we needed to go to Tractor Supply and Lowe’s to purchase a few supplies.  We’re picking up the goats next weekend, so the most important thing is to have a place to put them.

A day of shopping at these particular stores is not high on the kids’ list of fun things to do, so we usually try to make it at least a little bit fun for them.  At Tractor Supply, we let them each pick out one thing to buy.  Kendra picked a book about training and caring for pet rabbits.  A very sensible choice.

Max searched the store high and low.  He wanted a finch feeder for his stuffed animals.  I said no (that just didn’t make sense).  He wanted a hard hat.  I said no (it was too big for him).  He wanted a die-cast car.  I said no (it was outside of the price range).  Finally, he found a vibrating ball that we both agreed on, so we bought it.

At Lowe’s, we ran into some friends of ours so we stopped to talk for a while.  We were pretty close to the restrooms, so when the kids asked if they could go, we let them as long as they promised to stay together.

Several minutes later, a rather guilty looking Max came running back to us.

“Where is your sister?” I demanded.  ”I told you two to stay together!”

We went to look for Kendra, and when she emerged from the restroom, she was indignant.

“What happened?” I asked as Max buried his head in my leg and wailed, “I’m sorry!”

Kendra was hot.  Max started fake crying.

“When I was using the bathroom, Max went in all the stalls and locked them and then crawled out.  I was telling him not to!  But he wouldn’t listen!  Then he left and I had to crawl under all the doors so I could unlock them!!”

We looked at Max.

“Why did you do that?”

He shrugged.

We thanked Kendra for undoing his naughtiness.  Then we went to the garden center to finish our shopping.

 

The Satellite Repair Incident April 28, 2012

Filed under: children,family,humor,Max,parenting — mandyholbert @ 8:26 am
Tags: , , ,

Last time I called our satellite TV provider about a problem with our service, I was on the phone for well over an hour.  So this time, I tried online chatting.  It still took over an hour, but at least my ear wasn’t burning.

I went through all the troubleshooting that the representative could walk me through before she finally determined I needed a service call.  Arg!  Of course I hadn’t signed up for a service plan, so the call would cost $95 unless I signed up for the plan for $6 a month.

So that’s how I ended up being awoken before 8:00 on a Saturday morning to a technician at my door.

He was very pleasant as he figured out what was causing our loss of signal.  He fiddled around in the house for a little while and then went outside to check on the dish.

When he came back in, he was a little amused.

“Have you all had any strong winds lately?” he asked.

“Yes,” we answered.

“I can attribute your loss of service to a couple of things.  First, it looks like the wind may have slightly moved your dish causing the signal not to be as strong as it should be.  But, mainly, your dish has been hit pretty hard with a lot of mud pies.  It’s caked on there pretty thick.”

We all looked at Max.

“Well, they weren’t mud pies, they were mud balls,” he clarified.

Wow.  Thanks, Max.

At least the whole family is up and dressed early on a Saturday and I now have a great service protection plan in case of future bad weather…or Max’s shenanigans.

 

How to Stop a Stranger’s Baby’s Tantrum March 16, 2012

Filed under: children,family,humor,parenting — mandyholbert @ 5:21 am
Tags: , , , , ,

We were in Target the other day, and there was a baby crying, more like wailing, at the top of his lungs. He was buckled into the seat in his mother’s shopping cart, and she was totally ignoring his screams.

We were simply trying to do some shopping.

It was the kind of crying that could be heard aisles and departments away. The kind that made you wonder what’s wrong with that kid? I hope he’s not hurt.

I have kids. I’m not insensitive to the challenges children present when taking them out in public. Let’s see, Max has embarrassed me in both good ways and bad. I remember distinctly a few episodes.

There was the time I had him strapped in the buggy at the grocery store. We were in the cereal aisle. I turned my head while pushing the cart, and he stretched his arm out, held it rigid, and swept all the boxes of cereal off the shelf. He has thrown up in the bakery department (of course he has). He has flipped a shopping cart over on himself (that one made me feel like a very inadequate mother). And he, at two years old, sang Beyonce’s Single Ladies at the top of his lungs the whole time we were in Target. There were, of course, the usual tantrums every parents deals with at one time or another as well.

Anyways, the kid in Target would. not. stop. crying.

We had to walk right past his cart. His mother had her back turned looking for a birthday card. Really, I couldn’t imagine having the patience to read greeting cards while my kid was screaming his head off. She must have had nerves of steel.

We walked past the cart, and the kid abruptly stopped crying. The tantrum that had been going on for at least ten minutes ended as soon as that tot and I made eye contact.

“Huh, he stopped crying,” I said to Ronnie, with a mischievous and rather triumphant grin on my face.

“What did you do?”

“Oh, I just helped that mother out. He’s not crying any more. Isn’t that nice of me? I just have a way with kids.” I was laughing really hard.

“Mandy, what did you do?”

“I just looked at him. Like this.” I contorted my face into one of the ugliest expressions I could muster. That kid stopped crying because he was shocked. How dare some strange lady make an ugly face instead of avoiding him or coddling him?

Ronnie shook his head in disbelief. Well, not really. I think he has finally come to expect such things of me. Now everyone in the store could shop in peace.

And, hey, at least it wasn’t our kid making the scene this time!

20120316-052219.jpg

 

Mud Wrestling, Rabbit Chasing, Dog Carrying, and Other Redneck Activities March 10, 2012

Filed under: family,humor,pets,Silly Situations — mandyholbert @ 2:07 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been pretty sick, and today is a beautiful day.  I thought it would be so nice to take my rabbits out to the garden and let them hop around.  How relaxing.

Here’s a few things you should know before you read what actually happened:

  1. The rabbits belonged to my cousins.  We have owned them for about a month, and they have been living inside our house for that time.
  2. I have been sick.
  3. Ronnie found a truck he wanted to buy.  The seller was bringing the truck to our house this morning to make sure it would pull our camper okay.
  4. I have been sick.
  5. Nickie, my sister and next-door neighbor, had a long week and planned on sleeping in and loafing on this beautiful Saturday morning.
  6. Our garden is fenced in to keep wild rabbits out and to keep our pet rabbits in.  The rabbit hutch is in the garden.
  7. I have been sick.

Okay.  Here it goes.

I put the rabbits in a box to carry them out to the garden.  Ronnie walked out with me.  Once out there, I put them in the fence thinking they would hop around and explore and wiggle their little noses and fluffy tails and just be cute.  As soon as I let them loose, the man in the truck pulled into the driveway, so Ronnie went to hook up the camper.

Everything was fine until Roxy and Zeke (our dogs) realized I had rabbits out there.  They immediately started running circles around the garden scaring those little creatures half to death.  The gray one found a hiding place and stayed put, but the black one started running and jumping and acting like it was being chased by two giant, salivating canines who wanted nothing more than to gobble it up for a snack.  Oh, wait a minute…

Anyways, the poor rabbit jumped at full speed directly into the wall of one of my planter boxes and knocked itself backwards.  It just never was the same after that.  It tried to keep running, but there was a serious and notable lack of direction in his fleeing – towards the dogs, away from the dogs – you get the idea.  Meanwhile, I can see that Zeke is finally realizing that all he has to do is jump over the fence to catch the rabbit.

I changed my strategy which was failing miserably.  Instead of trying to catch the rabbit, I left the garden to try to catch my dogs.  I got Roxy first.  She was so intent on her visions of Roasted Rabbit that she wrestled right out of the collar I was holding her by.  I had to tackle her (in the mud) and hold her in a headlock while somehow trying to catch Zeke who was seconds away from jumping the fence.  I grabbed a fistful of Zeke and dragged him over to me.  So, there I sat, covered in mud trying to hold two dogs that were still intently tracking the rabbit who had not yet slowed down.

I yelled for Ronnie to call Nickie (he did have company over, after all).  Nickie came out of her house and called Zeke.  That dumb dog almost bit me trying to get out of my death grip to pretend to go to Nickie so it could really kill my rabbit.  I think I started crying then.  (Remember, I’ve been sick.  Really sick).

To make a long story short, Nickie carried the dogs one by one up to her house to lock them on her front porch.  I went in the garden to get the black rabbit who had completely given up.  It was just lying there without moving.  It didn’t even move when I picked it up and put it away.  I would have thought it died of a heart attack if I didn’t feel his little heart still racing.

Well, here are a few more things you should know:

  1. The guy with the truck asked Ronnie if I was okay.  Ronnie said, “yeah, I’m sure she’s fine,” and kept hooking up the camper.  The guy, obviously a little bothered, pushed back a little and said, “are you sure?  I think she’s crying.”  Ronnie answered, “she just freaks out sometimes.  She’s okay.  She’s just really attached to her bunnies.”
  2. Nickie was not dressed when she was summoned to help me.  She threw on clothes and flip-flops and ended up running out the gravel drive-way barefooted to help me.  Roxy weighs over 60 pounds.  She carried her all the way home.  When she carried Zeke, he put one front paw on her shoulder and the other on her head.  He enjoyed being carried.  She got rather muddy.
  3. Nickie was a little bothered that she looked like an idiot in front of some guy she didn’t know.
  4. Our next-door neighbor, unbeknownst to me, was outside watching the whole episode unfold.

Nickie and I, once we had all the animals situated, sat and talked about how redneck and stupid we must have looked – her running around lugging huge dogs back and forth (while barefooted) and me yelling and crying and chasing rabbits and mud-wrestling dogs.  At least we didn’t know the guy with the truck!

When Ronnie and the guy got back from the test drive, Nickie and I went to check out the truck.

The guy looked at Nickie and said, “Hey!  I remember you from high school!”

 

Wait a Minute! Shouldn’t My Dog Have Warned Me!? March 7, 2012

Filed under: family,humor,pets,Silly Situations — mandyholbert @ 5:10 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Every once in a while, my mind takes an extra moment to register something. Oh, what pretty ice crystals, I thought when I saw the shattered glass of my driver’s side window shimmering on the ground after work one night. That guy has a really big thumb when a man parked beside my car and showed me something that I did not want to see that was certainly not his thumb. That looks like a copperhead as I barefooted out the driveway with my dog at dusk one night.

That looks like a copperhead! Stop walking, self!! Stop walking towards it – that is a snake!!

When I finally stopped walking, I was within a few feet of the fat devilish beast. I screamed hysterically. I tried to call Ronnie to come kill the snake, but it sounded more like someone was burning me at the stake and the fire had just started roasting my toes. Unintelligible.

It should really tell you something about my way of reacting to things that Ronnie did not come running. He walked over, saw the snake, laughed at me, and w-a-l-k-e-d to get a shovel.

In the meantime, I was standing guard, making sure that poisonous fiend that had encroached on my yard where my children play didn’t get away before Ronnie could end its hideous existence.

When Ronnie finally got back wearing heavy work books and wielding a shovel, he assessed the situation carefully before striking with the shovel.

He missed the head and hit the snake in such a way as to pin it down, but it was still able to hiss and fight violently. Ronnie quickly (there’s a nice change) realized he couldn’t pick the shovel up to try again as he was now in danger of being bitten. He told me to run to the garage to get another shovel.

Well, I ran. I can’t exactly say where I ran, but I ran fast. Kind of like one of those cartoons that shows the dotted line that is the path a silly character takes to get from point A to B. My line would have charted loops and curves as I apparently forgot where our garage was located.

“MANDY!” Ronnie yelled to refocus me. “The garage! Get the shovel!” That snake was struggling like crazy. He barely had it.

I retrieved the shovel, but then I experienced another problem. I couldn’t physically make myself get close enough to him to hand it to him. I mean, a shovel is what? only five feet long, or so, right? I literally could not force myself to hand it to him.

I was standing about ten feet away, crying, doing this strange kind of dance that I can only really compare to the pee-pee dance I did as a kid when I told my parents I had to go and the next rest area was twenty miles away and when we finally got there all the stalls were full and all the sinks’ faucets were running and there was a rushing waterfall and everyone was chanting “pee-pee-pee-pee-pee….”

Anyways, the snake was fighting, Ronnie was yelling at me, I was dancing, the dog was watching. I finally danced my way over to my husband holding the shovel parallel to the ground with my arm stretched as far as I could reach. Ronnie reached as far as he could while still holding the snake to the ground. He brushed the tip of it a few times with his fingers, and then he finally got it.

As soon as it was in his hands, I bolted.

Ronnie did the deed. No more snake. Once the danger passed, he went from being a little perturbed with me (I still don’t understand why) to laughing hysterically (once again, I don’t get it – we could have died out there!).

In my defense, at least this one was poisonous. That’s not always the case when I freak out over things. Something just happens to me. It’s like I don’t know myself for a moment. There’s just something about snakes…

…and frogs.

 

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 711 other followers