mandyholbert

A glimpse into our family – the good, the bad, and, of course, the funny

That’s all I need! And this remote control…and this lamp. That’s all I need! September 9, 2012

Filed under: Confessions,family,humor,parenting — mandyholbert @ 6:23 pm
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Remember that scene from The Jerk- the “That’s All I Need” scene?  Steven Martin is leaving his fancy house and his fancy life, and he doesn’t need to take anything with him, except an ashtray.  And a paddle-ball game.  And a remote control.  Then a lamp. A chair.  His dog?  Each time he added another item, he declared it was all he needed.

Cover of "The Jerk (26th Anniversary Edit...

Cover of The Jerk (26th Anniversary Edition)

Ronnie and I cleaned the garage yesterday.  It was a mess.  A big mess.  We did it, but he reminded me of Steven Martin the whole time, grasping on to junk like he somehow needed it.  I don’t even think he can explain why half of the stuff in there is even there at all.

Seems to me he could be dealing with some hoarding tendencies, and he of course is in denial, so I took the liberty of finding a diagnostic test and taking it on his behalf.  This will, naturally, be scientifically accurate and utterly indisputable.

DURING THE PAST WEEK.
0                  1                                    2                                       3                             4
Never  Rarely   Sometimes/Occasionally  Frequently/Often Very Often
1. How often do you avoid trying to discard possessions
because it is too stressful or time consuming?

We put off cleaning the garage for several months because of all the stuff.  We knew it was going to be an all-day ordeal, which it was.  3
2. How often do you feel compelled to acquire something
you see? e.g., when shopping or offered free things?

All I can say about this is that I found lots of merchandise still in the bag from the store that he bought for projects that he plans on getting to one day.  3
3. How often do you decide to keep things you do not
need and have little space for?

me – Ronnie, why do you have this kitchen sink faucet?

Ronnie – Because it’s a perfectly good faucet.

me – Then why did you replace it in the first place?

Ronnie – Because it’s a piece of junk.

me – Hmm…3
4. How frequently does clutter in your home prevent you
from inviting people to visit?

Our clutter problem is restricted to the garage, but we have had the strict rule for the past couple of months to have the garage door closed when people are over. 3
5. How often do you actually buy (or acquire for free) things
for which you have no immediate use or need?

see number 2; 3
6. To what extent does the clutter in your home prevent
you from using parts of your home for their intended
purpose? For example, cooking, using furniture, washing
dishes, cleaning, etc.

You mean to tell me that some people can actually park their cars in their garage!? 3
7. How often are you unable to discard a possession you
would like to get rid of?

me – Ronnie, what should I do with all of this stuff?  I don’t even know what it is!

Ronnie – Just throw it away.

me – Okay.

Ronnie – Wait!  Just let me look at everything before you throw it away. 3

I think it’s safe to say that he could have a proclivity towards hoarding.  Thank goodness he isn’t too far gone and we were able to haul a bunch of junk away yesterday.

Our garage is clean as can be!  He only kept what he needed.

“This gas can, this wrench, this watering can, this boat oar, and my dog.  That’s all I need!”

Disclaimer: This post is intended to be tongue-in-cheek.  Ronnie is not really a hoarder.  He is a very hard-working man who puts in long hours and understands that the little free time he does have is better spent with his family than separating the 42,000 different screws in the garage.  All four of us contributed to the mess in the garage, and all four of us cleaned it up.  But, he is a pack-rat, and I did enjoy teasing him about it when I found some of his odder stashes of junk.

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Better late than never… September 5, 2012

Filed under: blogging,Confessions,family,food,Health,parenting — mandyholbert @ 6:15 am
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I have put this particular post off for right around twenty-five pounds.  That’s how much weight I’ve put on since last year at this time.  I’m not one to focus on the numbers – I’m just at a point now where I’m not comfortable with myself.  My clothes are too tight, my energy level is too low, and I feel unhealthy.

So, now that the kids are back in school and we’re all on a routine, I’m going to buckle down and drop these unhealthy pounds.  Blogging about it will be my virtual accountability partner.

I actually love exercising.  Ronnie and I (and my sister!) completed Insanity last year.  If you haven’t seen the infomercial, check it out.  I’m a sucker for exercise infomercials in general.  I’ve done Slim in Six, several of the Firms, a crazy version of Tae Bo, the Ten-Minute Trainer, and I bought one called Yoga Booty Ballet, but I never really could get into that one.

We have a Total Gym in the garage that would make Chuck Norris proud.  I also have a punching bag, a bicycle, a vertical knee raise machine, a jump rope, and some free weights.

I guess the point is that I’m well-equipped to go in the garage and get an intense work-out.

So, I just need to start.

And eat right.

Right now I’m a little hooked on bad food.  Okay, to be perfectly honest, my diet is just downright bad right now.  I read a book once that said that Americans are addicted to the combination of sodium, sugar, and fat that is in most of our restaurant food.  I’m guilty right now.  Time to cut the junk and detoxify my body.  I know the first couple of days will be hard, but after that I’ll feel instantly healthier.

Along with that, I need to drink water.  Yesterday, I didn’t even have a single drop of water until dinner.  That’s embarrassing since I know the consequences of not drinking water.  I know better.

I’m not going to bore everyone by writing constantly about my progress.  But, I’m going to be working on it.  Every once in a while, I’ll update you on my progress.  Twenty-five pounds took me a year to put on, and I expect it to take a little while to take back off.

Wish me luck!

 

A Driving Defeat July 29, 2012

Filed under: Confessions,family,humor,Silly Situations — mandyholbert @ 8:06 pm
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We were camping last week at Lakewood Camping Resort near Myrtle Beach, SC.  It was a much-needed getaway, and we had a great time…with a few exceptions.

On the last full day we were there, the guys decided to charter a boat to go fishing on the ocean, so us girls agreed to take the kids to Ripley’s Aquarium.  I drove Ronnie’s truck, which is quite a big larger than the Honda Pilot I drive.  Anyway, I backed out of our campsite and then looked over my shoulder only to see that I had missed a tree by a fraction of an inch.  It was so close that it looked impossible that I could have missed hitting it.  We laughed about it, I made a joke about the truck being too big for me, and we headed to the aquarium.

If you’ve been to Broadway at the Beach, you know how crowded it is, and I was a little concerned about parking the truck.  I was psyched when I found a parking place on the end, and just to be sure I’d be able to get back out, I pulled in and jumped the curb so the driver’s side of the truck was in the parking slot and the passenger’s side was up on the grass.  I’ve seen Ronnie do it a thousand times.  A mountain parking job.

The aquarium was great, and when it was time to leave, I was so confident in my parking job that I backed right out, enthusiastically even.  Then I heard a big smack.  I stopped the truck right away, realizing that I had managed to hit a tree with Ronnie’s side-view mirror.  I jumped out, gathered up the parts of the truck that were scattered around, made an ugly face at the woman who ran over and watched me clean up while she was babbling on in a language I couldn’t understand, and made the phone call to tell Ronnie before anyone else could.

not too bad…

He handled the news very well, as I knew he would, but it was pretty embarrassing to have to ride in that truck for the rest of the trip with the mirror taped back on with electrical tape.  Oh, well!

at least the mirror itself didn’t break, so I should avoid seven years of bad luck…

I don’t think I’ll be driving the truck for a while…

I don’t always mess up, though…remember this one?  Driving Victory

 

The People under the Stairs June 6, 2012

Filed under: children,Confessions,family,humor — mandyholbert @ 6:42 am
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I have an aunt who is younger than I am.  What can I say?  My mom had me when she was young.  She was the oldest child in her family, and her mother had her young, too.  My grandma just wasn’t finished having children even though she was already a grandmother.  So, I have an aunt, Sandy, who is younger than my middle sister Nickie.

The three of us grew up like sisters.  And you know what that means.  Yep.  The occasional argument.  Three is an odd number, after all, and having an odd number easily leads to problems with children (that, among many other reasons, is why Ronnie and I are stopping at two kids).  It was usually Nickie and Sandy against me or Nickie and me against Sandy.  I guess, looking back, Nickie must have been the smart one out of the crowd.  I never really realized that before now.  Hmm…

Anyway, I have to confess that when it was Nickie and me against Sandy, we were often sometimes occasionally a little cruel in our schemes.  I remember one time, a seemingly innocent game of hide-and-go-seek was actually the front for one of our most brilliant premeditated pranks.

We had a storage closet under the stairs where my dad kept his tools and things.  The knob on the door was broken and could only open from the outside.  On the inside, the knob would turn and turn and never open the door.  Theoretically, if a person were to be in the closet and the door were to be closed from the outside, that person would be locked in the closet until someone from the outside opened the door.  Can you see where this is headed?

When Sandy came over to play, Nickie suggested hide-and-go-seek and even volunteered to be “it” first.  I told Sandy I had the perfect spot, and I led her to the closet under the stairs.  We turned the light off and sat quietly while we listened to Nickie trying to find us.  Finally, Nickie gave up, and Sandy and I decided to leave the closet.

I let her try the knob.  Of course it didn’t work.  I was very shocked and tried it myself.   Then, I yelled for Nickie to let us out.  She jiggled the knob on the outside to make Sandy think it wouldn’t open that way either.  Sandy started panicking.

I remember being very dramatic about this, though I can’t exactly remember if I actually yelled through the door for Nickie to call 911. I know I yelled things about being stuck forever and we had no food or water and we were never going to get out.  Nickie played her part perfectly.  We must have been very convincing to poor little seven-year-old Sandy.

I say we were convincing because she started crying.  Nickie yelled at me to use some of Dad’s tools, so I grabbed a screwdriver and pretended to finagle the knob.  When I turned around, Sandy had grabbed the hammer, and she had it raised and ready to break the door down.  I yelled as she started swinging, and Nickie swiftly opened the door thus saving us from having to explain to my parents why Sandy would have beat the closet door with a hammer.

Sandy didn’t think this was funny.  And I was a little afraid of her still holding that hammer with that manic look in her eyes.  I guess it would have served us right if she broke that door down.

Like I said, we grew up just like sisters.

 

Why I am a Bad Friend May 20, 2012

Filed under: Confessions,family,humor,parenting,Uncategorized — mandyholbert @ 10:08 pm
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I am a bad friend.  Here’s why:

1.  When I say I will attend your _____________, I probably won’t.  Time is more valuable to me than money, and while I don’t have much money, I have even less time.  If you want me to attend your event, plan to serve a meal and invite my whole family – then we will likely come.  Unless, of course, it’s one of those at-home shopping parties where you try to pressure me into buying things because I’m obligated as your friend.  That is very uncomfortable.  I’d rather just give you some cash and avoid the inevitable flipping through the catalog pages to find something I can almost afford.

2. I won’t (not can’t) remember your birthday, anniversary, your kids’ birthdays, or any other important day.  I can barely remember my own kids’ birthdays.  I don’t expect you to do anything for mine, and I’m not going to do anything for yours.  What did you expect?  This is about why I am a bad friend, remember?  Did you think I was going to promise to bake you a cake from scratch every year on your special day?  Sorry to disappoint.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3. I don’t talk on the phone.  If you have something to tell me, keep it short and sweet, otherwise you’ve lost me.  And even during that short conversation, I’m going to be cooking, cleaning, painting my toe nails, or something else productive because I don’t have time to sit and chat all night.

4. If you make me feel guilty about anything, I’m not going to talk to you any more.  Well, I’ll talk to you when I see you, but I won’t go out of my way.  I don’t like being manipulated.  Oh, and I also don’t like gossip.  Or husband bashing.  That kind of limits the conversation for many people.

5. If your kid is mean, I’m not going to hang out with you.

6. My family comes first.  That includes not only my little family, but also my parents and my sisters.  And the rest of my family.  Even the ones I don’t like.  Just kidding, but not really.  Ha-ha!

7. I probably won’t call you back.  And if I do, I will try to do so at a time when I think you are least likely to answer your phone.

8. I only get along with people who have very low expectations for a friend.  I work full-time, I am a mom and a wife, I have a household to run, I have bills to pay, I have animals and a yard to take care of, I have meals to cook, I have laundry to do, and I’m constantly behind on everything.  Please don’t expect much from me.  Just take me as I am.

So, if you can put up with all of this, I am the perfect friend for you.  Please, don’t all call at once.

Not that it matters, because I’m not likely to answer the phone anyway.

 

Confession: I’m not the Mom you Think I am April 12, 2012

Filed under: Confessions,family,parenting,pets — mandyholbert @ 7:12 pm
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Somehow, unintentionally, I have given some people the impression that I have it all together. I appreciate the compliments – I truly do. But, I feel a little hypocritical in accepting them.
Let me tell you why.
I washed all of our bed sheets on Saturday. I finally put ours on our bed this morning (today is Thursday). We’ve been what we call “camping out” all week. That really just means we’ve been sleeping on sheetless beds on top of and under whatever covers we can scrounge up that are actually clean.
I have done an additional four loads of laundry this week, and all of the clean clothes are piled on a couch unsorted, unfolded, and un-anything else that is responsible and motherly.

We have eaten out every night this week – not because we love eating out but because I never made it to the grocery store to buy ingredients for proper dinners. We also are down to the last roll of toilet paper. I really need to get to the store.
My son’s favorite meal is macaroni and cheese from a can. Most people don’t even realize macaroni can be bought in a can. I actually feed it to my child.
I forget to feed the dog sometimes.

My poor husband had to dry off with a hand towel after his shower this morning.
The kids’ rooms look like disaster zones. I only care when I go in them. And I only go in them to tuck them in or to put their laundry away (obviously, a rarity).
The thing is, nothing is perfect around here. Actually, nothing is even remotely close to perfect. I feel like I never have it together. If I get the house cleaned up, the outside is a wreck. If I get outside presentable, then my car is a mess. I don’t think I’ve ever had it all done, and I don’t think I ever will.
I am a working mom. I have to remind myself constantly that I leave my house between 7-7:30 in the mornings, depending on the day of the week, and I get home sometime after 6 and usually before 7. When I get home, I have the family and animals to feed, laundry to do, a house to clean…I could go on naming the mundane tasks that keep a household running, but I won’t. More importantly, I have a family to love and take care of. I have projects to start and try to finish. I have a garden. A tree house. Bunnies. And a dog.
I am so blessed to have a husband who doesn’t demand a spotless house and meals on the table when he gets home. I have a man who doesn’t mind helping me search through the mountains of clean clothes and maybe the drier too to find two matching socks to wear to work. We decided together that we can’t have everything perfect and still have time for our kids, our projects, and fun. So, we compromise. We keep things presentable, but not perfect. When they start to get out of hand, we all work together to get it decent again.
I’d so much rather drop my kids off at the garden on the way home so they can play in the tree house. I’d rather go inside and take off the uncomfortably professional attire I have to wear to work and put on my holey jeans and my Crocs so I can go join them.
I’ll get to the laundry eventually. It can wait.
My family shouldn’t have to.

 

Confession: I Have Lied March 23, 2012

Filed under: children,Confessions,family,parenting,pets — mandyholbert @ 5:12 am
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Today was a sad day in my daughter’s life.  Today Kendra lost her dear pet Marshmallows.

When Ronnie and I went into Kendra’s bedroom and sat on her bed with her, we didn’t know what to expect her reaction to be.  She immediately burst into tears upon hearing the news.  This cry was different from her usual brands of tears – this one was heartbroken, devastated, mournful.  She seemed so young to me at that moment, yet strangely so grown-up too.  While she was crying over the loss of her fluffy pet, she was also experiencing loss for the first time in her life.  Our hearts hurt for her.

Max came in and upon hearing the news looked at his sister and with genuine sincerity offered to share his rabbit with her.  It was sweet.  He recognized the true pain his sister was experiencing.  He wanted to help.  He decided to go out with his daddy and help with the burial preparations.

Kendra and I made a gravestone.  I asked her what she wanted to put on it, and she burst into tears again.  “I just loved her so much,” she told me.  So, that’s what we decided she should write – “I love you Marshmallows.”

When we went outside for the burial, Kendra wanted to put something special in the grave.  She decided on a picture of herself.  She laid the picture so tenderly on the shoebox that contained her special pet.  Then Ronnie covered the grave with dirt.

Kendra ran in the house, still visibly upset.  She went to her room and got paper and a marker then went back outside to the grave.  She proceeded to write a beautiful letter to Marshmallows, a heartfelt eulogy in the words of a six-year-old.  She folded the letter and put it under the gravestone.  She needed to say goodbye in her own way.

My baby lost her first friend today, but in doing so, she showed us what a strong, sensitive, sweet young lady she is.

And that is why, when we found Max’s rabbit dead a few days later, I told Kendra that I accidentally left the rabbit hutch open and he got away.

 

Confession: I Have Killed March 21, 2012

Filed under: Confessions,family,humor,parenting — mandyholbert @ 5:13 am
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My neighbor’s dog bit my daughter.  Of course, that meant war.

The dog terrorized us every chance it got.  We could not check our mail.  The kids couldn’t play outside in peace.  Our own dog was even afraid of that ferocious beagle-mix.  It chased my car with teeth bared every time I left my driveway.

One day, I had enough.  I had tried all the reasonable methods to take care of the problem.  Nothing reasonable worked.  And this was war.

When I pulled out of my driveway this time, I saw the dog come running towards my car.  I saw its bloodshot eyes and the slobber dangling from the growling mouth already poised to bite whatever got in its way.

It charged my car.  I made a split-second decision.  I decided to obey something I remembered from driver’s ed as a teenager.  When an animal runs in front of you, only run off the road or hit your brakes if it is safe to do so.  Well, it wasn’t. This war had to end.  This dog was playing chicken with the wrong girl.

Thu-wump.

Let the record state, I did not accelerate.  I did not swerve towards the animal.  I did not, in any way, try to hit the dog.  I simply didn’t try not to hit the dog.

I stopped my car and looked around.  I got out and walked back to where the dog (the dog who bit my child) lay in the road.

A neighbor appeared out of no where.

What I thought: Ding, dong the witch is dead!  The wicked witch, the wicked witch!  Ding, dong the wicked witch is dead!  

What I said:  Oh dear!  I think I broke its leg or something.

The neighbor looked at the dog, looked at me, and looked back at the dog as if considering if I were really that stupid.  ”That dog is about to take its last breath,” and as if on cue, the dog deflated.

 

Confession: I Have Littered March 20, 2012

Filed under: children,Confessions,family,humor,parenting — mandyholbert @ 8:54 pm
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Max has been bad lately.  The kind of bad that makes eye contact with me from across a crowded room and pointedly looks away when I motion for him to come to me.  The kind of bad that may finally give in and do what I say but only after an exasperated grunt with arms folded across his chest.  Oh, man.  He’s just been getting on my nerves.

This morning was just a continuation of a weekend of disobedience.  He antagonized Kendra relentlessly on the way to drop her off at school.  Finally, the days of repeating myself, yelling, pleading, negotiating, reasoning, ignoring, and punishing caught up with me.  When they argued while I was trying to drive, I blew my top.

I yelled at them and tried to keep my car between the lines.  It was something to the effect of how they need to listen to me and stop being bad and I’m trying to drive the car and blah, blah, blah…

Well, the “blah, blah, blah” is apparently all my son heard, because as soon as I stopped yelling to take a breath and collect myself, he reached over and pinched Kendra.

She screamed.  My blood pressure was through the roof.

I did something impulsive – something drastic.  I told Max to give me his special fart-in-a-can putty that he had just gotten at a birthday party we attended over the weekend.  He had been itching to play with it.  He was taking it with him to entertain him for the day.  I told him to give it to me.  I rolled down the passenger window, and I threw that fart putty right out.

Silence.

And then…

He started crying.  ”Oh, no you don’t,” I said.  ”If anyone should be crying, it should be me.  I’m the one who has a little boy who won’t listen to me.  You don’t cry, or I’ll throw something else out the window.”

Well, he stopped.

The rest of the ride to school was very quiet.  After Kendra got out of the car, Max and I had a talk.

“Max, what’s wrong with you?  Why are you sitting back there making that face?”

“Because I’m sad.”

“Why are you sad?”

“Because you threw my toy out the window.”

“That’s right.  That made you feel sad.  You know what?  That’s just how I feel when you don’t listen to me.  I feel sad just like that,” I told him.

I think I got through to him.  I saw him make the connection.

I’m just so thankful no one witnessed my creative parenting this morning, especially a police officer.  If he didn’t get me for reckless driving, surely I would have gotten pulled over for littering.

And I can imagine the scene that would have ensued.  Kendra would have immediately started wailing and begging the officer not to take her mother to jail.  And Max, well, I think Max would have sat back there with a smug look on his face.

A look that said Officer, please forgive my mother.  I’m not sure what gets into her sometimes.  Go easy on her.  Oh, and would you mind kindly retrieving my fart putty from the ditch over there?  Carry on.

 

 
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